It’s been so long since I last wrote here, I don’t even know where to start!
My word this year is Rise. What a challenge this has been. Didn’t see that coming. A really, really big challenge.
— MMmh. Ok. Where will I rise from? Where am I rising from? Who am I rising as? How am I rising?”
Suddenly here I was, with all these questions, a bit uncertain if this was even the right word for me.
And then I heard, in a soft whisper as always.
“Rise AGAIN. Rise from your own ashes. Rise strong. Be willing to rise up and show up as yourself. Trust who you are.”
That’s where I hit the first block. And I put it all aside.
“Ok. Right. So.
— Trust. So you can rise.
— Ah yeah. Ok. Mmmh. How do I trust myself? Do I even trust myself actually?
I wasn’t sure how to answer these new questions, so I pictured myself from the outside, as if I was another person looking at me from a few meters away. I asked that person:
“What do you think of this girl? What do you perceive from her?
— She is cute and sweet with a big smile. I see joy. On the surface. She couldn’t hurt anyone. But that girl. She needs to believe in herself.”
Right. Okay. Not quite sure how to do that. Put it all aside again.
I found myself again blocked at work. I try one thing here, I see that it might work out, and then I give it up. I try one thing there, see the potential of it, andddd give it up the same. I finally start to notice that the only kind of energy I infuse into my work is the energy that comes from the “newness” of the project, a bit like the shiny object syndrome. That energy never lasts. It’s an outside energy, not my inner fire shining through.
But then where is my own energy? My inner flame?
I thought that for me to rise up then maybe first I should feel strong. Maybe I was too stuck at my desk and didn’t exercise enough. Feeling physically strong at the core increases self-confidence. So I started a 6 week fitness program.
I was well into that fitness program and it was good. But at the end of it, I didn’t feel stronger, I felt only more tired than ever, with very little energy. I realised that this is not how it’s supposed to be. So I figured that rising strong also meant to maybe look at what my body needed in terms of nutrition and overall health.
I went to see a naturopath so that I would know how to make myself strong from that perspective.
After the first full check up, the naturopath told me that my immune system was totally down, mostly because of blocked emotions and stress. I started a special diet to release some toxins, and it affected my moods a little, but I felt a bit more of an energy come back after a couple of weeks and that helped.
Yet. The Block. Still there. Damn it. Every time I take a step in one direction, something prevents me from taking another one. Every. Time. Back to square one.
And as Spring slowly evolves into summer, as lockdown eases again, I started to see that despite Covid, people around me have been moving on with their lives, and of course this is uplifting and great, but then I looked at myself and all I could see was sadness. That’s when I realised I was unable to figure that block out by myself and that if I wanted to move forward, I was going to need help. The only thing I knew was that my personal and work life are intertwined since I work as a small business creating digital products for sale. If I am not good, my work isn’t good either. And let’s face it from the facts: I haven’t been good since 2015.
The first day of that month I had an online session with this French therapist. She is the kind of therapist that, within 1 hour, shakes the heck out of you and definitely gets things moving. She usually only does one-off sessions since they are so powerful.
Within 20 minutes she made me see the way I had subconsciously been seeing myself for a few years. It was sad. I felt pity for the way I saw myself without even knowing it. I have been thinking of myself, that I was not good enough.
I had created a self-image that I was not good enough to be with a loving partner, not good enough to be successful at work, not good enough to be worthy of love, of creating, of being trusted, not good enough to be worthy of anything at all really.
Seeing this was liberating but so painful. It felt as if a dam broke open and the calm river suddenly turned into an angry agitated stream.
Ouch. So that’s where I am now. In the stormy waters from this block she made me release. I felt a huge knock in my stomach untangle though, that felt really good, like I could breathe deeply again. And well… I would have never been able to figure that one out on my own.
She made me see things from a new perspective. That perspective is real, and right now it is a little bit sad, because the result of this subconscious belief shows up in most areas of my current life. At least it’s never too late. So now a few things need changing. And I will change them.
But first, I need those waters to calm down so I can see clearly again. So I can swim and breathe underneath, see the beauty of it all, under the current, where everything is still but well alive. And then “rise” up to the surface, catch air, and start swimming.