Drawing is something I have felt attracted to my whole life. Except I’ve always been too scared to give it a proper go. Now that I am in my mid-thirties, I’m getting frustrated to not have pushed away that fear of the blank page earlier in my life.
I have bought classes, but I never committed to a regular practice. I have bought many supplies but barely ever used them. Each time I’ve been about to try, I felt overwhelmed and found an excuse to let my drawing practice fade on the side of my life. I even bought an iPad pro with the pencil 4 years ago, and I am only starting to use it now. I feel stupid just thinking about how much I let fear control my life. That’s what’s frustrating.
But this week, something clicked, a bit like a puzzle putting itself together in my head.
︴ I’ve taken so many photos of the pretty houses of Ericeira, where I live, in the past few days.
︴ I found myself watching a lot of series about House remodeling and home decorating.
︴ Each time I take a short walk with my dog around the village, I imagine myself living in this home, or that home, and I try to build a mental image of my dream home. I live in the tiniest village and yet I have 2 dream homes here.
︴ I’ve been pinning so many house illustrations lately.
When all these thoughts came together, the idea naturally came out: why don’t I try to practice drawing by learning how to illustrate those cute houses? I could start small and simple, one house at a time. I could start in black and white. I could do this, I could do that. And there I saw opportunity instead of fear. I found myself visualizing the result, instead of telling myself that I won’t manage to do it and finding a way out.
And just like that, over the past few days I took more detailed pictures of houses in Ericeira, I observed them more, I loved them even more. It’s like when I set out on a walk and my mind feels like it’s going on a treasure hunt for pretty images to capture.
Then I dived into the scary part. Sketching. This time though, I decided that time didn’t matter.
If it takes me one year to draw the simplest of houses, then so be it. If it takes me 1,000 times to start again, then so be it.
No matter how many times I will start again, trying will always be better than all these years spent wondering what could it have been if I had given it a go earlier.
Instead of closing down in the name of fear, I started to open up. Gosh it takes a bit of mindfulness to keep up the momentum, and I struggled a few times, but I made one. I drew a house. Haha. It sounds so simple but you don’t imagine what this actually means to me.
- It means I can now draw another house.
- I can make a series.
- I can continue practicing.
- I can get used to pushing fear away. because I have pushed through the fear. I have made it happen.
- I can build memories of happy moments spent drawing, instead of fearful moments spent away from drawing.
If you too struggle with the fear of starting something that speaks to your heart, it may mean that you care and if you find yourself reading this now, then it is time for you to give it a real try. I guess if we don’t go, we never know. Right?