The storm. It comes unexpectedly, crashes down on us without any sort of warning, and oh it is strong. Storms are frightening and uncontrollable. In one of my favourite meditations, I hear that storms are coming to “wash us clean”. We don’t see it in the moment, but once the storm has passed, the sun always comes back.
This is what happened for me this week, and now it feels a bit like a second wake up call, similar to what I experienced in May last year. I started my day with my usual morning meditation, and all of a sudden I started to release tears. A little voice told me “Hey, I know you can’t hold it any longer. Drop it, you know here no one will judge you. You’re safe to let it out. Nothing is too weak or too stupid to not be acknowledged and respected. So if you feel you’re carrying something that is no longer yours, drop it here. Let it go.”
And so I cried. Just a few tears at first, then a lot, the spasms came along, the whole package. It lasted almost all day, on and off. It feels a bit weird to write this down, but I’m open, and that’s my truth. I’m vulnerable, talking about this is actually not going to harm anyone. If others want to judge me for sharing this, I’m simply okay with it. Because tears are the one thing that we consider a weakness in our modern society. And I disagree. Tears are simply a way for our body to release a certain energy that needs to leave us. I think we don’t let ourselves cry enough. Instead, we carry too much, we keep everything locked in deep within ourselves. I believe that we need to change this, by choosing again, choosing to see our emotions for what they are telling us, and then releasing them instead of keeping them.
So I cried. Cosy, in the safety of my home. I released frustration, anger, impatience, confusion, control, restlessness, and more control. I want to be able to see exactly what’s in front of me in my work, and the past months, even years have been so foggy that lately I have felt even more frustrated than usual. That created friction, which turned into an internal battle. There is nothing worse for me than feeling useless. Nothing worse than sitting at my desk, not knowing what it is I am supposed to be doing, but knowing that I am craving for more. Deeper work, life-changing work, substantial work, something that will truly help people at their core, something fulfilling, with meaning. But I didn’t want to see.
That’s where the problem was all this time. I knew. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve always known. But I have been too scared to say Yes. I’ve been doubting my own capability, my own experience, my knowledge, my voice, my skills, my courage, myself. I didn’t believe I could handle it. Since then I have been absolutely frozen in fear because what it’s front of me is way bigger than who I think I am right now. It just scares the hell out of me. So I have been using the “I don’t know because I can’t see it clearly” excuse until I have been so shaken out of myself the only way out was to surrender it all. That’s what happened. I let space for this to come out, and thanks to it, I went back Home once again.
How to go Home: Acknowledge, Surrender, Release, and Trust.
But more than that, I feel I have to come and write it here, because this time I said Yes. I mean why would I cry myself out, surrender it all to then start the whole cycle of denial once again?! Somehow this time I didn’t even think about it, I said I am okay with taking responsibility to do a work that is bigger than my self. That’s what I want, but that’s also the only way. It’s soooo uncomfortable, but I have no exit route, I literally don’t have a choice. So I am okay to show up. I am okay with getting passed that fear and those blocks in order to uncover this work I have been longing to do all my life.
I have to admit that somehow the fear vanished this time, at least for a moment. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by this new life of mine shaping itself as I go along, I started to embrace it, to step into it, to recognize it as my own and only my own to live. Again, this is something I can only decide, no one else can do it for me, nor is there a right time for this. I don’t blame myself for resisting it the past few months, I guess I needed the time and space to slowly feel what it is like to be awake. It’s like going Level 2 in the Game of Life now. There’s just no way back.
So I said Yes. I can’t describe the feeling I have had since then. My shoulders have dropped, a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, some sort of mechanism has started, and I feel like I have found my place. Even though I still can’t see it, I feel supported. The storm has passed, the sun came back, my energy went back to its frequency, and a new cycle is starting.
So storms are hard, yes. Because there is nothing you can do but sit through it and wait for it to pass. You must endure the roughness, the cold, the discomfort, the pain. But if you resist it, you’re only trying to fight something that is way bigger than you. There are only a certain amount of things we’re able to control in life, and so far the weather forecast isn’t one of them. That’s got to say something?
I’m writing about my own experience so that if you ever read this, and you’re going through painful times yourself, you must remember that you are not alone and that we’re all the same, going through rough moments and no one ever has it all figured out. That’s the magic of Life, that’s why we need to share our vulnerability, our truth, to dismantle those walls that keep us disconnected from one another. Sharing your truth allows for other people to share their own in return because we are creating a safe space for them too. That’s the magic of connection and by doing so, we feel supported, and we allow ourselves to grow.
And, once the storm has passed, we allow for a better version of ourselves to come forth. A kinder, wiser, softer version of who we really are.
If you feel you would ever like to share something too, my virtual door is always open.