I started drafting this post in August 2019, but I never got to finish it. Until now, so here goes…
I’m scared. Everyday I worry, I wonder, I think too much, I worry some more, I can’t help it, and there, my mind takes over (Vata doshas raise your hands once again), building up scenarios that are way too theatrical to ever be realistic, and I become tired of myself. You wouldn’t tell, if you saw me. I hide this stuff pretty well. I just recently opened a little more about this to close friends, since Open is my chosen word this year.
I try to forget how many questions pop into my head on a daily basis: what are we meant to do here, how can we make this planet a bit better for the next ones later, what the heck is my work supposed to look like? You know, the usual daily universal existential questioning? Never left me, never will. That’s ok, I kinda live with it. It’s like being in a transition, but all the time, when it’s supposed to come and go in cycles. And as if this wasn’t enough, this questioning also sort of breaks down into smaller questions, and because I have no answer to them, I worry. About everything.
I get scared because last year I made the decision to fully and only live from a place of trust, and that makes the fog in front of me really thick at times. I’m literally swimming in the darkness, trying to find the pieces of the puzzle that is my life’s work. I’ve gathered some clues, but it’s not easy. I know that if something feels very scary, it usually means the outcome is far greater and better than you’d imagine. But it’s so uncomfortable. I can’t see anything, but I feel a lot. And I don’t know how to deal with it.
So a few days ago, I stopped. I stopped wondering, I stopped worrying, I stopped thinking. I threw myself into the Ocean instead. Just for a moment. Because afterward, it all comes back. But then for a moment more, I stopped it all again. Because all I want is peace and quiet up there, (don’t we all?). So in order to rethink all of this, I had to wonder (insert sarcastic emoji here) where the fear and worry come from, and if there is anything that I can actually do about it…
And well, there is only one thing I can do. Let it all go.
That moment when I start to worry means I lose my trust that whatever place I am in right now is right.
That moment I start to doubt is a choice I make to question my intuition. It’s the moment I leave Home, the moment I disconnect from myself.
The moment I want to control the outcome is the moment I let fear take over.
So if you feel the same, remember to Trust, and choose to drop it all. Drop your shoulders down, raise your head up to the sky, and breathe. This is the only thing that actually works. It quiets the storms within us.
For when you trust, you know that everything is as it should be.
For when you trust, you accept things the way they simply are.
For when you trust, you don’t hold on to anything but your own knowledge, your own heart guidance.
Recently I’ve seen this popping all around me:
“Trust what you already know.”
Faith, Trust, whatever you’d like to call it. The greatest thing I may have learnt so far, is to see each situation the way it really is, instead of the way I’d like it to be. To trust that everything is falling into place, somehow. We just don’t see it (yet).
I write this not as a lesson to teach, but as a simple reminder for myself. It’s okay to fall back into the trap of control, but what’s important is to notice when it happens, so we can get back to centre and realign with this force that guides us to where we need to be.
In order to trust, believe.
To believe, surrender.
To surrender, tear down those walls.
Believe that you are guided, loved, supported. Because we all are.
All we need is to choose again.