The day I finally arrived Home to Myself

I’d like to give an update on this previous post from May. Back then I felt an urge to put down into words what I felt was a powerful life-changing moment.

When I reflect on what happened during these past years, I now have more distance, a quiet mind, and a healing heart. Well, I don’t blame myself for becoming so disconnected and for losing trust. After all, when your heart is broken, you’re in pain, and that pain comes from… your heart! So why would you go somewhere deep and dark where what you see is broken glass everywhere on the floor?

I get it though, people say you just need some time until it gets better, but what people don’t always say is that your heart won’t heal on its own. I thought I just needed to move on with my life. I thought I could put my heart away and live without it. Oh, I wish I had been told that when we get broken, from a relationship, from the loss of a dear one, from getting fired, from whatever we feel we have failed in life, we need to grab all the courage we have and look within, as only ourselves can truly fix what’s in there. Without our heart, body, and mind connected and aligned together, we can’t really be successful in life. Truth is that I was never going to move forward with my life until I consciously decided to. The moment you make this decision belongs to you, and only to you.

This time of pain, of living in denial of what I was going through feels a bit like floating in space, in life. Like you’re there, you’re doing things, you’re going to work, to the supermarket, to the movies, you meet up with your friends, you take a vacation, but you’re not fully there. And you’re not getting anywhere. You’re floating around, your own centre of gravity is disturbed and floating outside of you too.

So I was doing things, but I wasn’t fully there. I wasn’t present, except for those surf sessions again acting as a temporary pain killer, floating in the sea, and forgetting about gravity and grounding in real life. I’d say it’s almost impossible to become conscious of this floating sensation since we’re slowly being eaten by this pain.

Although we may feel something’s not quite right, it takes much effort and time to realize what it is, where it comes from, and how to fix it. And it is hard to come to the realization that: WE are ultimately responsible for OUR selves, and for how we choose to respond to what life throws at us. There is no one, no thing, no situation we can blame. Blame does not heal. Blame does not help. Blame is a deceiving escape leading to more suffering. Blame is not a solution. We are, within, the solution.

If reading this makes you angry, or you disagree, because you feel like you have been a victim of life’s unfairness, then you know. You know that this is where a part of you wants you to go, within yourself. But you’re holding onto a certain fear, some resentment or injustice that still denies access to yourself. Taking responsibility for your own pain is a big step. Unlocking what’s hidden inside of you is scary because you’re unsure of what’s in it, if it’s going to explode, how long it will last, and if this darkness will become your envelope, the definition of you. You can open the box, it won’t hurt you. What it will do is bring up relieving tears, comforting water on your cheeks, and spasms within you that will slowly kick out all the crap you thought you had to keep for the rest of your life because it defined you. It doesn’t. It never will.

Taking responsibility is also scary because you know that once you overcome the work of looking within, you’ll be consciously responsible for everything else that will happen to you afterwards. You won’t be able to play the victim or blame life anymore. Rejecting any sort of responsibility is a dead-end road. But coming to the realisation that you are responsible for yourself is a good thing. Because guess what: it’s very likely that what will happen to you after will be different, it will be good, it will be supportive, it will be comforting, it will be joyful, it will feel scary and safe at the same time. It will start with you, at the centre of your own self, a beautiful, peaceful space that you’re maybe too afraid to explore. For now. And that’s okay. Once you find it, I promise you’ll want to hold on to it like nothing else ever.

I cried a lot during the release of all the pain I was holding. I realized I was holding so much more than a few years’ suffering. Similar, older patterns came back up. I let them come up so that they could finally leave. I said sorry. To myself. I cried to my own heart, apologizing for putting it through rough situations, fights, financial issues, aimless wanders, toxic relationships, and more. I said I was so sorry that I didn’t listen, that I had ignored it for so long. After that, I discovered my own presence, my spirit, this feeling that was truly here, in my own centre, between my chest and my belly, like a warm soft rising vibration. It was happy I was talking, in all simplicity and truth.

You know what it answered? Words came to my mind:
It’s okay, you’re here now. I don’t blame you. I’m just happy you’re here and I’d like to invite you to stay. Find comfort here. Find warmth. Find safety. Find peace. Find love. I love you. There is nothing that you need to blame yourself for. There is nothing you have to ask forgiveness for, nothing to hold on to. Just remember that I am here for you. All that you need right now is here. I am always here, whenever you need, wherever you are.

I have tears of joy even now typing this. Joy for having found this space, finally.
Joy for having found my way back home.

If you’re wondering how do I get to do this? How do I heal myself? There is nothing simpler. You don’t need to go see someone, you don’t need to go travel to some place, the one thing you need is you, and the will to change yourself. The will to get past the fear of looking within. The conscious choice you’ll make to support yourself, to stand up for yourself, and to accept yourself will be the new chapter of your own book.

You need to find silence and a quiet space where no one will come disturb you. I’m no master in anything, but I see how many people avoid this simplicity of being. We always think that we’re not enough on our own: that finding ourselves in our own company and in silence is scary, annoying, boring, it brings a sense of shame, so we reject this part of ourselves that has yet so much to say. Understandable. In this modern world where we, as human beings, are used to rushing, noise, to being busy, to looking perfect, it’s almost like the anti-living thing to sit still and quiet for a while. Right? And yet, by doing so, we become alive, awake.

So it can be a little easier to find silence gradually. I use the help of guided meditation, through words, and through music. I take my phone and earplugs, and I launch my meditation app. I browse until I find what resonates with me. And I sit there. 10, 20, 60 minutes. Sometimes once a day, sometimes more. You can find those things for free online, created by people who have been through this and are willing to help you find your own way back too. Doing this every day, until you feel like you’ve released what needed to be let go of, until you feel like you’re ready to make new, better plans for your own life. Peaceful silent moments with yourself are the one and only thing you need. It is so life-changing, so positive, so powerful that I’m surprised that as children we’re not taught to do this on a daily basis. It becomes the starting point for us to make conscious choices. Choices that will serve us better.

But first, you need to truly WANT this change. You need to have arrived at the end of that dark road you’ve been on, and realize that this is NOT how you see your life, that this is NOT what you want, and you’ll know that this is not who you really are. You’ll realize that you have ENOUGH of this anchored suffering, that your shoulders have become too tired to carry the burden of your own past, and you need to truly desire to move forward. Only you can make this choice. Without your intention to change, there is nothing else that will do the work for you instead of you.

Forget about overeating, over-travelling, over-working, too many physical activities, loveless sex, drugs, everyday alcohol. Anything that is consumed in excess represents the fine line between being fully present and escaping from yourself. You may feel like it’s working, but it’ll only be a temporary feeling, one that creates addiction instead of liberation.

Since I’ve decided to finally put my walls down, to look, to see, to observe quietly, to listen, to let go, to embrace, I now see how in just a few weeks my mind has become so peaceful, so quiet, how I’m slowly building up a soft, humble confidence, how I listen to my body and nourish it and how my energy levels are rising again. It’s not that it took me years to find my way back home, it took me years until I’ve made this decision to change. The rest happened instantly. I accept it as my own path, the one allowing me to express myself here today.

It simply starts with ourselves. If you have yet to come home, I truly hope you find your own way too. You are worth it.

Much love,

Lucie

PS. In April 2021, almost two years after I wrote these words, I am reading this post again. And I don’t feel like I need to change a thing to it. I didn’t make this up. It just came out. It is real, it is true. It starts with you. 🤍