I’ve lived in quite a few places in my life. I’ve always had this tendency to not travel for just a few weeks, but rather to dive completely into a new culture, embrace a new lifestyle and create a new routine. I’m spontaneous, curious, driven, I love to explore new horizons. And although I didn’t know it, for the past few years, I’ve used these qualities as excuses to run away.
Six months ago today, I came home. Home-Home. In the South-West of France. The place where I grew up, where my human roots are. The place I fled from ten years ago because it never felt like home, because I felt something bigger was waiting for me somewhere else.
If you told me a year ago that this morning, I’d be writing to you from France, I’d be a little surprised. I thought that once I had settled in Portugal in 2016 I wouldn’t move for at least another 5 years, probably never. I guess Life doesn’t always go as we plan. And this is what I am reflecting on.
How are we being guided?
I haven’t felt my best lately. As with life itself, we have ups and downs, highs and lows. Some experiences affect us stronger than others. Only I’ve avoided admitting that I was in pain for quite a few years now. I tried a lot of different things to get better, moving countries twice being one of them, surfing helping a lot, but like the effects of ibuprofen, it soon dissipates, not solving the problem, just temporarily releasing the pain.
It got a bit worse recently. I crashed physically in the water a couple of months ago. I hit my back pretty hard, and I got stuck in my home, unable to drive or walk for eight days. It doesn’t seem so long, but it was enough to drive me insane. I’m not fully recovered yet. It’s been tough. I found myself confronted to …myself.
No escaping. No run in the forest, no surf in the Ocean, no driving around, no working, no visiting family or friends. No “doing”, just “being”. It felt so uncomfortable. The worst was maybe that I thought I was able to make sense of things rather quickly after they happened. But I can’t lie on this one, I didn’t have a clue why was this all happening to me.
I got upset. And I asked Up There (to God, my Angels, the Higher energies around us):
What’s my problem? Am I lost? Why do I feel like I failed in life? Did I fail? Why can I not even use my body anymore the way I want to? Why can I never focus on my work properly?
I guess essentially my question was Why do I feel so restless all the time?
Because this is what eventually led me to completely crash, mentally and physically. Moving around, jumping around, not listening, escaping, rushing, running away, I’m always in movement. And when I hit my back, I felt like I reached the bottom. I hadn’t cried out of physical pain for so long, maybe even never. And I was scared. What would I become if I couldn’t “move” anymore? Using my body as an escape is what I had been doing, grateful that it could keep up with all the runs, all the surfs, all the boyfriends, all the errands, all the travels. But in fact, I’ve been damaging it, and it was sending me signs that I was ignoring. I guess I couldn’t pretend anymore, since it just decided that it was going to take a break from me. OKAY.
So I asked for help, because I had enough of being so restless, I was exhausted, and I was blaming myself for it.
Last November, when I moved back, I found a cool waste-free organic shop nearby. Cool stuff. They had a few business cards there promoting other local businesses. One of them caught my eye: Reiki and energetic intuitive massages. I took it and left it in the little basket holding other loyalty cards and pennies near my entrance door.
Last week, I spontaneously decided I would message the lady on facebook. Birthday coming soon hehe, what a good excuse.
“Can I come for a massage?
— Yes, what do you feel you need?
— No clue really, maybe a head massage, my head is so full right now.
— Ok, come Monday.”
I had a reiki session for one hour. The first and only time I received a reiki treatment before was in London, January 2016. That moved me so much that three months later I was starting a new life in Portugal. Just saying. That stuff is powerful.
So after this treatment, I “woke up” a lot more at peace, with a familiar yet forgotten sense of calm, serenity, but (and I wasn’t aware of it yet), also finally ready to listen. And the person giving me the treatment seemed to have seen through me like in a book. She asked:
“Can I offer you some feedback?
— Of course!
— Ok, here it is, don’t take any of it too personally. Okay?
I don’t know if you being here, now, comes from a decision you made fully yourself or if it comes from an outside influence. You have built massive walls around you. You were betrayed at some point in your life. Your heart and throat chakras are blocked. You need to express yourself about this in order to heal your heart.
Your body is exhausted right now. You need to stop, listen, your heart has things to say to you, and you need to take good care of your body. If you want guidance in your life, you need to turn to your heart.
Your lumbago (back strain) means that you got cut in half. Your body and your heart are no longer connected. You have been listening to your mind and only to your mind lately, no wonder it’s so full. You need to get back to your heart if you want to move forward.
You have an amazing strength within you. Your anchor is good. Your determination is like fire. But you feel like you don’t have a place in this world. You’re trying to fit in between the wall and the wallpaper, why?! You surely don’t look like someone who could ever harm anyone else. You need to learn to speak from your heart.
YOU are worthy of love. You need to get back to your heart.”
Powerful stuff huh? There I was, receiving an answer from Up There to my question: Why do I feel so lost and restless?
Because you don’t listen to your heart.
This is some simple, yet powerful guidance, pfewwww. It’s one thing to read it from someone in a blog post like this one, it’s another when the person looks at you in the eyes and tells you, slowly, “YOU are worthy of love.” I just wanted to cry. And I did.
I always want to be strong. I don’t need anyone’s help. If I could carry the washing machine up the stairs myself, I would. I hate that I have to ask for help from other people. I feel like in order to be a good person, I have to be able to do everything myself, without bothering anyone. I sincerely don’t know where this is coming from (yet).
I feel like me asking something to people means bothering them.
There. These are some of the barriers I built up. I’m not vulnerable, I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable because it means to be weak. Being heart-broken is being weak. So no I’m fine, I’m free, I’m NOT heart-broken, or at least that’s what I believed. Also, if I ever allow myself to be vulnerable, then I’ll get hurt. And I’ll tell myself it’s my fault too (I signed up for the whole package). I never thought this belief was harmful to me. I thought it made me a stronger person. It’s actually destroying. It seems it’s time for some positive affirmations huh? Opening my heart, letting the truth speak for itself, and allowing myself to be vulnerable, again. Except I’m not sure how to do that yet.
And no I didn’t carry the washing machine myself. But I felt guilty for having to ask my dad and neighbours to help. (Please don’t judge).
Only now I start to realise I have lost my trust in life, in the Universe, the higher energies, even though I thought I didn’t. I really believed that even though life brought me some painful experiences, that I was more connected than ever before. Yet I wasn’t. I’ve been looking for answers, guidance and new beliefs outside of me, pushing me to run, move, rush, rush, rush, and let my mind ultimately control everything, avoiding the realisation of what was truly happening within me.
The purpose of this blog is to make sense of the past, fully connect with the present, and getting to know myself better in order to make my dreams come true. I went sideways, I lost my sense of direction.
But I’m not so far. There’s always a way back. I am choosing compassion over guilt, connection over isolation, acknowledgment over denial, acceptance over avoidance. I allow myself to stop this rush, and listen to my heart. And boy, it’s so full too. It’s overflowing.
The next day, I went back to a meditation app called Insight Timer, suggested by my yoga teacher Lisanne last year. Lisanne told me, before I left, “Don’t forget, home is and will always be within you.” It was difficult to practice this at first, but I finally make sense of it now. And through the app, I found Sarah Blondin. She made me cry within two minutes into the first meditation I had with her. And at the same time, Wow, my heart is instantly thanking me for choosing to say: “I love you, I am listening”. It fills up, a sense of joy sparkles everywhere, I almost see butterflies, just being, light, and free.
It’s surprising: it doesn’t hurt to release the pain. There are no images, just soft emotions, tears, weight being lifted, a sense of peace and support joining up together in me, choosing to take care of myself and to love myself. These words, Love and Heart, words I had started to avoid, to dislike even, to mock also. Love. The essential thing connecting us together through our hearts.
So here I am, vulnerable. Letting the release happen. I already feel the sense of space. I am expressing myself here, a peaceful, non-judgemental space that I created a while ago, but that I was too scared to use because I feared people’s judgement. But I now choose to allow myself to be an imperfect human, trying to find my path in this life, in this world.
Isn’t it CRAZY that we all go through our experiences in life, and sometimes it takes us years to understand that in order for us to be happy, connected to our body, present in our space, all we have to do is stop and allow our heart to speak up? How simple yet incredibly difficult is this? I find it insane, that we don’t need painkillers, we don’t need work, we don’t need to overeat, we don’t need anything but this moment for ourselves to truly connect with our heart in order to be guided, to find peace, and to be us, simply.
I have so much more to say about this. I always wanted to talk about it, wrong timing maybe, but mostly the fear to be judged blocked me before. I’ve been reading much more lately, and writing and journaling a lot more too. So I let myself be guided in this process, whether it’s just for me, or whether it can inspire and help others. We are all imperfect, but we all deserve to be loved.